Today, I woke up from my sleep in a different mode. I found myself in a weird feeling and acted in a weird behaviour. I used to be calm, confident, and independent. However, what happened today was totally contradictory in manner.
I felt depressed, stressed out, and out of nowhere I felt angry with everything I see. Let me put a situation here for instance. I cursed all the vehicles that stand in my way when I drove to fetch my brother from school. I cursed the traffic light even worse though I know it did me nothing wrong.
Situation no 2: As I drove back from sending my brother to his tuition class, I cursed again. That was when I received a phone call from my Mum, asking me a favour to buy Panadol for my Abah who had fever, and battery la, etc. So I stopped by at 7-11 and asked the cashier to get me the Panadol. He, the cashier asked me whether it is Panadol Soluble that I asked for. So I raised up my tone and said again that I wanted pills, not soluble! He stood there and smiled at me. That caught guilty feelings in me. Huhu..Later when it's time to pay, it cost me RM 11.10. So I hand over my 50 note and 10 cent coin. He murmured that how I don't have smaller change. I kept quiet, keeping myself calm and tried to cool down. Then he hand me over the change, and I pretty much heard he said the balance is RM 29. I put the money in my purse and tried to do my math. Yes, I am a bit slower than usual today. It took me a few minutes for me to realize that he should have given me RM 39 instead. Again, I asked in anger tone for the remaining change. That was when I looked into my purse and saw RM 39 right where I put it in the first place. He, again stood there and smiled. Cissss..
I thought to myself, what had he did me any wrong that I felt so angry and treated him rudely? What had every people that I see today ever did me any wrong? What the heck is wrong with me? That was when I remember a good friend of mine that once told "menganggur ni memang, kadang-kadang you depressed out of nowhere, marah-marah tak tentu hala...Believe me yang, I dah menganggur 7 years..". I didn't had a chance to say sorry to that cashier..
Astaghfirullah..it is time for me to perform my Isyak, take the wudhuk and ask for forgiveness. Fight the fire with water. Perhaps wudhuk would made me calm and secured.
Note 1: This is not the entry that I meant in my previous post.